I wish I could teleport
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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