You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
