mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Plan B is the new Plan A
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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