Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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