Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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