What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You did what with his pubic hair?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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