Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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