i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
