I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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