Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
