So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize