At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
