piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
