Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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