I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My bed smells like the plague
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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