If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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