Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
