I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
