everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
