I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
