i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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