Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
