I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
