How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
