Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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