a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
