true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
