Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
