i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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