i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
