I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
