There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
