I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
