she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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