my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
