I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Your penis caused this!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
