Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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