I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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