I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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