Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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