got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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