I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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