Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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