I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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