I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
