I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
