I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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