After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
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When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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