She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
