My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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