i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
false alarm, still single
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
