my soul wont recognize me after tonight
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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