You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You don't make any sense
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