Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
