I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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