Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
