I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
