i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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