i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
