he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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